Monday, May 7, 2012

Navigating the River of Denial

Recently, I was invited to become a part of a brand new yoga studio that promised to be state-of-the art beautiful, offer a wide variety of classes, and establish a wonderful community of like-minded people. For me, the best part, was feeling as though my accomplishments as a yoga teacher were at long last being recognized, as I had signed on to be a director. Over the long months of construction I met with the owner from time to time but each visit revealed a different support staff, and more directors; any ideas or opinions I offered were quickly brushed aside until finally, I was asked to be patient and lay low while construction headed toward completion. I was getting some very weird vibes – but I ignored them – this was going to be far too good an opportunity for me to pass up. A few weeks later I received an email from one of the new directors informing me that the studio would be opening in a couple of weeks, which conjured up even more weird vibes along with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I called the manager and asked why – since I was a director – was I finding out about this via email? I was told it was an honest mistake, and I would be hearing from someone soon to finalize details of my position. And I actually bought into it. I’ll spare you the rest of the particulars as I really don’t want to give this place or the unskillful beings who own and run it anymore energy. But after a few more ups and downs I resigned, and a valuable lesson unfolded. When my daughter visited the studio for the first time she turned to me and asked, “How do you not feel this bad energy?” I gave her a vague reply but I knew she was right. “Why would you even want to be associated with these people?” was her next question, and I knew then that I had idealized the situation, and had stubbornly ignored every whisper of warning from that intrinsic all-knowing inner voice. The truth was, that what I hoped it would be, and what it actually was, were polar opposites. My ego was so caught up in wanting to be “important,” in wanting people to KNOW I was good, that I had completely let go of the fact that I was, and am, already valued far beyond my imagination. Almost immediately after I walked away--feeling hurt, rejected and deeply disappointed--the Universe sent me bouquets of love; it’s so incredible how she does that! Unsolicited emails, and hugs of gratitude showed up daily. I began to recognize that my value is beautifully reflected in the smiles and postures of my students. It’s clear that my human being-ness had gotten caught up in the currents of Denial. I had been lured by the promise of fame and fortune (such as it is), and had forgotten that being a yoga teacher is all about connecting from your heart. A big, state-of-the-art yoga studio based on the concept of exclusivity, operated by people who don’t really understand yoga, will never be authentic. It will never be a community of heart, and it was not the right place for me. So once again the Universe had come to the rescue, reminding me that there is a bigger picture, and that we must all learn to trust that in the grand scheme of things, disappointments usually turn out to be blessings. Keep the Faith, RT

1 comment:

kat robinson said...

Hi Rita, I was just going through some things at my studio and found a Fit Yoga. I saw your beautiful smiling face along with a beautiful letter from the editor and I decided to read your blogs. I have to say Deary,reading your blogs always makes me feel good. It's nice to hear a TRUE yogi talk about how they are human instead of giving off this whole, "I'm a yogi and that just makes me better than you" attitude. I LOVE your "I am human and have human emmotions and feelings just like you" ritatude!
You have been such an inspiration to me and to so many others and for that I am eternally filled with gratitude for you!
Here is a link to blog I wrote for Elephant Journal that shows how I showed my humanistic side. I exploded in class, not the best place but I am human! ;)

XXOO, Love Kat Robinson